Unfortunately, one of the resources I’ve been using -- WebMD -- uses one of those answers that makes me nuts: “Think about who’s safe. A school counselor? A trusted friend? A cool aunt or cousin?”(1)
Well, duh.
First of all, it seems to me that when the first thing you have to say is “think about it,” you’re somehow implying someone is not. As if what might be perhaps the most important decision of someone’s life and they’re NOT thinking about it.
More, this reminds me of those pat answers young people get when they ask about other important things, like love. When teenagers ask how they'll know when they're in love, we tell them, “Oh, you'll just know.”
Imagine parents teaching driver's ed this way: “Here's the keys to the Hummer! Those bright red lights? Don't worry about it, you'll just know.” (I think some do teach it this way.)
The point -- as always in my Unbroken Thoughts -- is what does that MEAN? How can I, you, or anyone that is LGBT actually make some rational decisions beyond just “knowing” or determining someone is “cool.”
One site I’ve found value in -- as I usually do WebMD -- is wikiHow’s How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen.(2) It suggests starting with close friends, which makes a lot of sense to me. Friends, unlike every other relationship in our lives, are the people we choose to be close to.
Parents, siblings, family, even trusted teachers: These are people whose relationships are initiated by someone else. Whether through birth, blood or whichever school staff member who gets the “privilege” of making the school’s master schedule. Friends are different.
Still, however, wikiHow says choosing a friend is not an absolute. “If your friends have said negative things about gays and lesbians, it might not be wise to tell them.”(2)
And this is where they lose me. (I swear, are any of my sources not going to make me crazy?) Why would someone hang out with someone who has expressed hurtful or oppressive feelings towards their very essence?
But when you think about it, sometimes we do need to be wary of those closest to us. Even in this rapidly changing world of LGBT acceptance, not everyone is there yet. Some may never be. This, sadly, can include friends.
To be fair, they may not even know they’re being hurtful. To them it may just be one more thing they mindlessly comment on, while to you it’s the most important thing in the world. To them it’s like discussing whether or not to go see the latest “Transformers” movie. (They shouldn’t; they really are terrible films.) While you want to whack them with an object of questionable weight for being such a jerk.
This doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. But let’s face it, when this kind of thing comes from a friend, it hurts. Perhaps with education, they might learn to accept LGBT people. (Who knows, that educator might be you.)
Still, in the here and now, that is probably not the person you want to come out to. So, once again: How do you know who’s a safe person to tell? Psychology Today seems to have a good place to start.
In their piece “Should you come out to your parents?” they have some questions that you should consider of anyone you’re coming out to. And, since they conveniently reinforce what I just said, I think they’re pretty good:
* Do they often say things that are anti-gay or homophobic? Whether in reference to bullying, same sex marriage, the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," or something else?
“These have been regular media topics as of late. What have you heard your parents (and friends) say about these issues?”(3)
* They have threatened to hurt you if they ever found out you are gay, (or others that reveal their LGBT status). Even jokes, such as they will "scare you straight” can mean something.(3) I’ve often found at the foundation of even the most outlandishly ridiculous statements usually lies a kernel of truth.
In a perfect world, we’d all like to imagine the best-case scenario for coming out: Everyone accepts you! Yeah! The truth is, however, most of us probably expect something far short of that: Denial, hurt, mistrust, confusion, at the very least.
But what if it were to get even worse than that? Being threatened with violence? Being threatened with Hell, if that’s something that matters to you? If it was a parent that reacted badly: Would you be thrown out of the house?
These are questions to ask yourself about the person you plan to tell. And they should be asked, honestly, without the rose-colored glasses. Coming out, after all, is not the kind of thing you can take back.
Now that’s something to think about.
References
1) WebMD: Coming Out as a LGBT Teen
http://teens.webmd.com/features/coming-out-as-lgbt-teen
2) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen
3) Psychology Today: Should you come out to your parents?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents