The truth is, even if you break the coming out process down to simple steps, there’s enough about it that’s delightfully ambiguous to the point that it’s a wonder anyone ever comes out. Take the first step I noted: Get comfortable with yourself first. What the heck does that mean?
(I should note at this point that if you haven’t read the column about coming out, “Coming out isn’t for dummies,” previously, you don’t have to. It’s your life. Read what you want. Just know I didn’t make these steps I up. I got them from very intelligent people with websites containing very slick looking graphics and ads.)
When I think about getting comfortable with myself, my thoughts turn to a couch, a “Star Trek” or James Bond movie, and everyone related to me somewhere else. Other people would describe it as having sex, reading a good book, or a VW Bug. (“Fifty Shades of Grey” I believe, contains all of these things.)
WebMD describes it -- being comfortable, not “Fifty Shades of Grey” -- as being “firm in your own identity,” having worked “through some of the issues you might have with your sexuality first.”(2) Or, as SafeTeens suggests: “Contemplate your motive for coming out and if you are simply questioning or if you are sure.”(3)
“It’ll be easier to allow other people to go through their process of understanding if you are comfortable with yourself first. You’ll be less vulnerable to rejection.”(2) In other words, you can’t explain it to other people if you can’t explain it to yourself.
The consequences of getting this wrong, as you might imagine, aren’t good.
“If you're still trying to figure it out, it's not the best time to start telling people. Only consider telling others if you've reached the point at which you know and have accepted that you're gay or bisexual. This is the crucial step - if you are not sure but you tell everyone you are, it could lead to complications further down the road,” notes WikiHow’s “How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen.(4)
I agree with all of these pieces of advice. However, all of this makes me return to the nebulous concept of being “comfortable.” If you’ve read elsewhere on this site, you’ll notice that just about everything concerning LGBT life has a lot of wiggle room. Trying to nail down something as specific as “being sure” seems impossible to me.
As TeenHealthSource notes: “There are many different types of sexual identities and gender identities. It can be hard to decide where you fit, especially if you are unsure of who you’re attracted to or if you feel like your gender and sex don’t match… You may already know and be comfortable with your sexual identity and gender. Or, like many people, you may be unsure.”(5)
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, etc. These are all labels we’ve taken to giving ourselves in the last few years. Does being comfortable mean you have to know which one of those things you are. I’m not so sure. Yes, you should know you’re secure in how you feel, but I’m not sure it’s important that one know exactly what label applies before coming out. “Remember that any number of these descriptions may apply to you, and what you call yourself is still your decision.”(6)
Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where I fit in. If I had waited until I was sure that I understood every word and every label, I’d still be in the closet. Has it made it easier on everyone around me? Not always.
But it was important for me to acknowledge that there was something about me that was important and different that everyone else know and understand. For my sanity and theirs. End the end, I’d say that’s what’s important -- even if that includes not knowing what label you are.
And I’m pretty comfortable with that.
References:
1) Raina Bowe: Coming out isn’t for dummies
http://rainabowe.weebly.com/unbroken-raina-thoughts/coming-out-isnt-for-dummies
2) WebMD: Coming Out as a LGBT Teen
http://teens.webmd.com/features/coming-out-as-lgbt-teen
3) SafeTeens.org: Should I come out to my parents and how do I do it?
http://www.safeteens.org/lgbtq/coming-out/
4) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen
(I should note I have deviated from my normal policy of not using crowd-sourced informational websites. For while I normally find these sites to full of a lot of crap -- wikiHow included, at times -- I did find this article valuable and in agreement with many other well-researched articles.)
5) TeenHealthSource: Understanding Your Own Sexual Identity and Gender
http://teenhealthsource.com/sgd/understanding-sexual-identity-gender/
6) LGBTQ@OSU: What does it mean to be LGBT or queer?
http://oregonstate.edu/lgbtqqia/questions