A little context, however, first.
One of the really inconvenient things about learning about one’s own sexuality is that there’s a lot to learn.
When I first came to the realization that I was bisexual it was quite exciting. Suddenly things made sense: Why when I watched certain TV shows I was attracted to everyone on the screen. Why I wanted to kiss half the guys on the cast of Disney On Ice: Pocahontas. (Skating shows rarely hire ugly people.)
Other things less sexual seemed to make sense, too: Why I enjoyed being a drag queen so much, why I tended to see things from a woman’s point of view more than a man, why my favorite color is pink.
The problem was my “understanding” didn’t conform to reality. I came to know other bisexuals and none of them were drag queens. Many of the bisexual men I knew certainly didn’t see things from a woman’s point of view. And none of them had a pink coffee mug.
And with that realization I was confused as hell again.
What was wrong with me, I wondered. Seriously, what was the point of being out of the closet if I was still always in the dark? (OK, I have to admit I love this line. I even Googled to see if someone else said something like it first, but they haven’t! I’m feeling very profound right about now… OK, I’m done.)
So I did what I always do when I’m confused about these types of things: I went back to my Genderbread Person, that nifty little graphic that shows how to understand one’s self.(1) This time I focused on the part labeled “Gender Expression.”
According to the Human Rights Campaign, a leading supporter of LGBT rights, “Gender expression refers to all of the external characteristics and behaviors that are socially defined as either masculine or feminine, such as dress, grooming, mannerisms, speech patterns and social interactions.”(2)
In other words, the way we look, dress and act. Obviously, this varies by culture. For instance a man wearing a plaid skirt in Scotland is normal, it’s called a kilt. In the United States, however, a man wearing a skirt is likely be thought of as cross-dressing. (Unless they’re wearing plaid at a Scottish Highlands festival. Then it’s still a kilt.)
This explains why I want to be a drag queen, at least I think it does. When I’m in my dress I feel like a part of me that always has to stay hidden finally gets to come out. Reading a post from the Gill Foundation, another LGBT advocacy group, I suddenly realized something: “Wow! There are a lot of people working for LGBT rights.”(3)
After that, however, I actually read their webpage: “For some of us, our gender expression may not match our biological sex. That is, while other people see us as being male or female, we may or may not fit their expectations of masculinity or femininity because of the way we look, act, or dress.”
That’s why no one understands my pink coffee mug.
Pink is a feminine color because society says so. It’s not like girls are born pink and boys born blue. (Trust me: I saw my daughter being born; there’s a whole rainbow of colors involved there, though I don’t recommend making any kind of flag from them.) It’s society, particularly our sexually constrained western one, that’s decided pink must mean there’s something womanly about me.
And that’s exactly why I carry my pink mug -- and Natalie Reed agrees.
Natalie Reed is a blogger, or at least she used to be. She’s been offline for a couple of years now. But before she went away she put into words what I and others wrestling with our understanding of gender expression have been unable to say.
The pink coffee mug, the rainbow t-shirt, the higher-than-average heeled boots I wear on Halloween: she says they “simply mean that you needed some kind of outlet for the gender identity, some way of actualizing that for yourself and within the cultural context you were provided, and with what little tools you had, you found a way to explore the concept of yourself as female.(5)
I carry my mug because I’m not allowed to wear my dresses at work on the days when I might feel like it. I carry my mug because I can’t tell people I understand women better because in many ways I am one. I carry my mug because it’s a small way of showing the reality of who I am.
I think I’m going to need a bigger mug.
References:
1) It’s pronounced metrosexual: The Genderbread Person
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/01/the-genderbread-person/
2) Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity: Terminology and Definitions
http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/sexual-orientation-and-gender-identity-terminology-and-definitions
3) Clearly, I need to write a column on this.
4) Gill Foundation: Gender Expression
http://gillfoundation.org/grants/within-colorado/gender-expression-toolkit/gender-expression/
5) Sincerely, Natalie Reed: Gender Expression Is Not Gender Identity
http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/03/21/gender-expression-is-not-gender-identity/