Watching the elk amidst the California Redwoods, standing on a fortress overlooking the Caribbean, high on a mountain top in the Colorado Rockies, a really good cheeseburger anywhere: She’d stop right in the middle of them and decree them a “Moment,” fill-in-the-number.
All these years later, I’m pretty sure she didn’t actually keep track of the numbers. (I don’t think I could hang with someone that anal-retentive.) But I do know she’s still labeling new ones. As every once in a while she’ll send me a Facebook dispatch from somewhere, “moment” and number attached. Moments are a big deal to her, as I think they are to humans in general.
We certainly write enough songs about them. Whether Tim McGraw’s lamenting a “Moment Too Soon,” The Drifters are having a “Magic Moment,” or Yanni going “Until the Last Moment,” they seem to be everywhere. (Note to medical professionals: If there is any chance that Yanni will be involved in my last moments, please pull the plug early.)
With so much attention paid to moments, it’s not surprising that third on the list of things you should consider when coming out is “Choosing the moment.” Clearly, it’s a big thing. Anytime you have Tim McGraw on the same page as Yanni something’s clearly going on.
What’s interesting, then, is how little attention seems to be paid to it when people give advice on coming out of the closet. The best plan in the world executed at the wrong moment can still end up in failure.
What if the Japanese had attacked Pearl Harbor when we weren’t sleeping in on a Sunday morning? What if the Titanic had turned a second earlier and missed the iceberg? What if Jack had showed up a moment later and let Rose fall into the sea to be eaten by penguins?(1)
Fortunately, “little attention” doesn’t mean “none.”
WebMD starts with “Don’t feel forced or pressured.”(2) At first I found this strange advice. If no one knows you’re LGBT, who exactly is pressuring you? Perhaps this is for those that may have told one or two people, but have yet to tell the most significant people in their lives.
I think what it really means, though, is don’t pressure yourself. The world can be a pretty lonely place when you’ve been keeping your LGBT status to yourself. Sometimes, the realization that one is LBGT turns into the need for revelation: “Attention world! I know this thing about myself! You must know, too! NOW!”
Like a lot of things in life that are exciting, take a deep breath. If indeed you’ve suddenly figured out that it’s important you tell people, waiting a bit more time isn’t going to change anything. Days, weeks, whatever: Don’t make yourself do something in the heat of the moment that you’d wish later you’d held back on.
Having said that, if you’ve finally decided it’s the time, when is the right actual moment? This isn’t like romance and erectile dysfunction in aging men. There is no pill that will get you ready. (Nor do I recommend dragging two bathtubs out on a hillside, for sex or coming out.)
WebMD has a better idea: “Pick your time and place carefully… Don’t (give) a monumental dissertation at a holiday dinner. It tends not to go well.”(2)
Instead, they suggest: “Try for a relaxed afternoon that doesn’t have a holiday or a big event tied to it.”(2)
SafeTeens frames their advice in terms of talking to parents: “Don’t talk to your parent when they are busy with other things. Wait until you and your parent are just hanging out or going for a walk. If it seems like there is no good time, ask them if they can set aside time to talk to you.”(3)
This seems like good advice no matter who you might be talking to. Parent, friend, teacher: This probably isn’t the kind of thing you just drop on them while you’re on the way to the mall or walking between classes.
Again, this may seem obvious. But the truth is when your head is reeling from what you have to say, and how you plan to say it -- that’s next week’s column -- it’s amazing how many people just panic and blurt it out. Don’t.
The moment only comes once.
References
1) Morgan Freeman would have marched in and saved her.
Yes, I know penguins don’t live near the north pole. It was a joke.
2) WebMD: Coming Out as a LGBT Teen
http://teens.webmd.com/features/coming-out-as-lgbt-teen
3) SafeTeens.org: Should I come out to my parents and how do I do it?
http://www.safeteens.org/lgbtq/coming-out/