It was breakfast time, the sun was peeking through the windows, and I had a cup of coffee in my hand. Both of us just enjoying a waffle and a piece of bacon, we were chatting about little things, no particular topic of importance. Taking a deep breath, I told him what I’d been running through my head for weeks: “I think I figured out that I’m bisexual. I’m really not sure what it means to my life after this, but I know that’s who I am, and I wanted you to know.”
It took a few more minutes after that, more words now flowing faster that I’d said what I had to say. His response took a few minutes, and it was very positive. After that? Pass the waffles.
I think back on it now, and it seems amazing how little time it took. Indeed, I think of the whole process as if I’d been preparing for a play, or a sporting event. I spent a long time practicing and preparing, for just a few minutes of activity followed by another slice of bacon.
And that’s exactly the way it should have been. (Vegans may differ on this last point.)
This brings me to the next step in “Coming Out: A simple list for the most complicated thing you may ever do.” (I just came up with that.) Step 4: Come right out with your statement.
This step is as much for the person you’re coming out to as it is for you.
As the parent of a toddler, I must tell you that sometimes there is nothing more mentally draining that having my daughter tell me a long story. It’s punctuated by a search for words she doesn’t know, being distracted by everything from cats to dust molecules, and the occasional need to throw herself off the couch, just because. And this is a story about the moth she caught that day at preschool.
Imagine being on the receiving end of all that as someone tries to tell you they’re coming out.
Obviously, my daughter’s example is a little over the top. I don’t see too many people flinging themselves from furniture these days. (Save the boys in my seventh grade classes. Wow. When does puberty hit?)
But before you come out you should prepare, just as you would for anything important. This starts with being yourself: “It may be helpful to use your own words to describe how you feel rather than use a word that you’re not comfortable with, or that you think others may misunderstand,” offers Rainbow Youth’s guide to coming out.(1)
Some examples, from wikiHow and SafeTeens:
* "Hey, bro, I called you here because I have something important to share with you. I'm gay."(2)
* "I'm so lucky to have a good friend like you that I can confide in. I've been going through something and I'm hoping I'll be able to count on you for your friendship and support once I let you know that I'm a lesbian."(2)
* “Mom and dad, I have something to tell you. You may be surprised or disappointed, but it is really important to me. Will you listen?”(3)
You may find these work for you. You may find them ridiculous. (I do not ever recall saying “bro.” Ever.) You will need to find what works for you and those you tell. But notice what all of them have in common. They are direct, to the point, and don’t sound like they came from my daughter.
“Don't try to cushion or sugar coat it too much; let them know it's important to you, and then just take a deep breath and say it,” offers wikiHow, and I agree.(2)
One thing to definitely remember: “Don’t blame yourself if you find things difficult, or if things don’t go according to plan.”(1) This isn’t supposed to be easy. Not everyone’s disclosure ends with pass the waffles.
But just as athletes fumble the ball and actors forget their lines, thinking about what you need to say ahead of time -- no matter how stressed you get -- will pay off. Practice really does make perfect.
One thing definitely not to do is come halfway out. Don’t come this far and then try to cushion the blow or weasel out of your own words. In other words, don’t do what this guy did:
“I made the mistake of conceding that if I EVER found a woman that I actually loved and was sexually attracted to, that I would marry her. My mother decided that meant that I would ‘try’ to find this completely fictitious fantasy woman,” writes LGBT writer Rob Watson in his “Nine things NOT to do when you come out of the closet.” ”She was angry weeks later when she found out I had no intention of doing so.”(4)
Practiced, direct and honest: There you go! You can come out now!
Obviously, that’s ridiculous. But the basics are there. Coming out really does boil down to getting those words to come out of your mouth. It’s that terrifying and simple all at the same time.
And if those words aren’t coming to you? Is that a sign you’re not ready to come out? Some think so.
“If you can’t find the way to come out or the words to use, you probably aren’t ready to tell others,” suggests Rainbow Youth.(1) I’m not sure I agree with this.
Some people are naturally good with words, some are not. I know people that get terrified and tongue-tied at the thought of giving a how-to speech about how to make a peanut butter sandwich. Just because it’s not coming easily doesn’t mean it shouldn’t come from your mouth.
One thing that could help: Anticipating not just your own words, but others’. Sometimes fear isn’t so much based on the things we can control, but the things we can’t, like other peoples’ reactions.
There’s hope there, too.
“Before coming out to a certain person/people, think of what questions they might ask and have answers in mind just in case. For example, if you've dated someone of the opposite sex before, a friend or family member might ask, ‘What about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?’”(2)
Perhaps considering those possibilities ahead of time would help. After all, coming out is probably going to involve more than just one sentence.
But that’s more about step 5, which we’ll have to get to next time. My daughter’s about to tell me a story, and it’s probably going to take a while.
References
1) Rainbow Youth: Coming Out
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/queer-youth/coming-out/
2) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen
3) SafeTeens.org: Should I come out to my parents and how do I do it?
http://www.safeteens.org/lgbtq/coming-out/
4) LGBTQNation: Nine things NOT to do when you come out of the closet
http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2013/10/nine-things-not-to-do-why-you-come-out-of-the-closet/