You’ve finally gotten comfortable with your LGBT status, you’ve found the perfect moment to tell a safe person, and you’ve come out and said it: “I’m (fill in the blank).” You’ve taken control of your life and you’re feeling pretty darn good. It’s time to wrap this thing up! (Cue soaring music here.)
It’s time for the final step in Raina Bowe’s “Coming Out: A simple list for the most complicated thing you may ever do.” (I really do wish I’d thought of that title earlier.)
“Step 5: Allow time for people to process what you’ve said.” Or as I like to think of it, “The truly scary step because you have no control.”
I know that sounds direct, and perhaps a little on the negative side. The truth is, however, while you are ending part of your journey of acceptance, the person you told is just beginning theirs. Ultimately, it’s up to them how they deal with it.
That doesn’t mean you can’t help them. The first thing you can do is be patient.
“Remember, it probably took you awhile to adjust to the idea of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender,” says WebMD. “They need an adjustment period, as well.”(1) On your part this may include:
* Having empathy for others if their reaction is shock and not immediately embracing.(1)
* Be gentle with them and give them time to process.(2)
* Don’t hold against them their immediate reactions, assuming they eventually move on from them.
None of these may surprise you. The next one, however, might, as it did me: Let them process their grief.(3)
We normally associate grief with dying. But grief is actually much simpler and broader: It’s a reaction to loss. And while you may feel like coming out has added something to your life, others may see it the exact opposite.
“When one comes out to a parent, the ‘loss’ can stem from thoughts such as ‘He's not a little boy anymore’ to ‘I'll never have a daughter-in-law’ to ‘I'll never have grandchildren (at least by him).’ There's a sense of ‘losing’ you to the outside world (and a world they know little about probably), and a sense of losing whatever hopes and fantasies they had about you being (heterosexually) married and having children of your own.”(3)
Grief, like shock, takes time to deal with. As before, let them.
These are best-case scenarios, as each suggestion presumes whomever you’ve told will eventually come around. We all know, however that’s just wishful thinking. More, it’s not always predictable where support -- or the lack of it -- will come from.
“The people in my family I thought would rally around me, didn’t. The person I thought most likely to reject me, didn’t,” writes Rob Watson, an LGBT writer. “The thing I learned about my wisdom and sensibility in this situation, was that I didn’t have much of either.”(4)
That’s probably a funny thing for a columnist to admit, even if I am quoting someone else. The simple truth is you really don’t know what’s going to happen. (That’s the scary part I mentioned.) Your patience being the only thing you can control, I’d suggest having lots of it.
Does this mean you put up with anything and everything they want to dish out? Certainly not: “Experiencing fear and anxiety about telling others that you feel same-sex attraction and/or are needing to transition to your true gender, are normal,” notes Rainbow Youth. “Abuse and rejection are not.”(5)
You should never put up with bullying or hate or any other reaction that diminishes you as a person. Hopefully the steps I’ve been talking about the last few weeks prevent that from ever happening in the first place. But there’s no guarantee -- which is where we’ll wrap up next week.
Yes, it’s to be continued again. Sorry about that. But this may be the most important thing you ever do. You really thought we’d just wrap it all up in 718 words? (I counted) Like I said, be patient.
References
1) WebMD: Coming Out as a LGBT Teen
http://teens.webmd.com/features/coming-out-as-lgbt-teen
2) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen
3) Empty Closets: Parent and Family Stages of Grief by average guy
http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php
Indeed, this entire website, "Empty Closets," is another excellent source of information about the stages of coming out.
http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out.php
4) LGBTNation: Nine things NOT to do when you come out of the closet
http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2013/10/nine-things-not-to-do-why-you-come-out-of-the-closet/
5) Rainbow Youth: Coming Out
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/queer-youth/coming-out/