So let me just say there’s not much more. This is not going to be like “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King,” where the movie goes on for 45 minutes after the climax. Having watched that film sitting in the front row of the theatre, I can still remember craning my neck as I looked at the screen thinking, “You know, I’m beginning to wish the Hobbitses had died.”
The entire premise of these last few columns has been that coming out is a good thing, and I believe it is. But that doesn’t mean it always is, or that it is for every person at every point in time. So, that’s how you should think of the rest of this: The warning label. The fine print that keeps you from getting in trouble. Hopefully you read it before you follow the directions.
“Here are some not so good reasons to come out,” according to Ellen Friedrichs at About.com:(1)
* A friend or partner is pressuring you to come out.
* You feel like you are lying to people if you don't.
* You feel like coming out will make you feel legitimately GLBT.
* You think coming out will make you feel more grown-up.
* You're mad at your parents and want to upset them.
I think all of these make sense, although the second one I feel like needs some qualification. If you have reached a point in your life that you actually ARE lying to people about who you are, that’s a problem.
Next realize that coming out is not just something you do and then you’re done. “Understand that this is something that will have a huge impact on certain aspects of your life,” notes wikiHow.(2) “Things will change, but if you are patient and don't try to force the issue - while at the same time, refusing to suppress or deny it - there's a good chance those changes will end up being very positive.”
Finally, understand that coming out is not something you do once. “Often when we meet someone new, change a job or school or reply to an invitation we find ourselves coming out,” writes Rainbow Youth. “It feels daunting, to be faced with constantly outing yourself. You should find it easier as time goes on and you will probably developing more confidence about doing this.”(3)
Indeed, it was harder for me to come out to my best friend than the people I work with, even though he was perhaps the fourth or fifth person I told. Our history together was a long one, far longer than anyone else in my life, save my parents.
OK, the warnings are over now. I encourage you to read the complete source of the information I’ve given here. (You’ll find every source I’ve used in my “Coming Out” columns listed at the bottom of this one.) My interpretation of these sites is only one possible way of looking at the issue. The best thing -- as always -- is to develop your own.
Reading through my last half-dozen “Unbroken Raina Thoughts” I appear to have done something I really wasn’t planning on: I’m giving advice. When I started these columns I wanted to keep away from that. There are far too many people who don’t really have a clue giving advice.
Certainly, I have my thoughts and biases, but I’ve made it my goal to let you the reader decide what to think and how to use that knowledge in your own life. (And when I didn’t to tell you that up front.) That’s why I cite everything; I want you to keep reading, keep learning.
Certainly, I think on the coming out columns I have done that. But I also can see that my own experience coming out shines through the advice that I cite from other people. The event still just about a year in my past, the things I did well -- and the things I did horribly -- are still fresh in my mind.
More, I’ve talked to students of mine who have come out. We’ve discussed their successes and failures and the impact it’s had on their lives. This is very personal to me, in a way that the etymology of a word is not.
If I’ve strayed from the path of objectivity, it’s for that reason. And if I’ve gone so far afield that you wonder if you can still trust what I write, I assure you can. Whatever I’ve written, it’s still backed up by other people. Even if a few times the evidence I cite is at first more from my experience and research than someone else’s.
In any case, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading. Feel free to let me know what you think.
References
1) About.com LGBT teens: Coming Out When (and If) the Time is Right
http://gayteens.about.com/od/comingout/a/comingout.htm
2) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen
3) Rainbow Youth: Coming Out
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/queer-youth/coming-out/
All "Coming Out" Resources: (Alphabetically)
1) About.com LGBT teens: Coming Out When (and If) the Time is Right
http://gayteens.about.com/od/comingout/a/comingout.htm
2) Business Insider Australia: Gay Teenagers Are Comfortable Coming Out On Facebook, And That's Why Facebook Isn't Going Anywhere Anytime Soon
http://www.businessinsider.com.au/gay-teens-come-out-on-facebook-2014-2
3) Empty Closets: Coming out
http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out.php
4) Empty Closets: Parent and Family Stages of Grief by average guy
http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/parentfamily-stages-of-grief.php
5) LGBTQ@OSU: What does it mean to be LGBT or queer?
http://oregonstate.edu/lgbtqqia/questions
6) LGBTQNation: Nine things NOT to do when you come out of the closet
http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2013/10/nine-things-not-to-do-why-you-come-out-of-the-closet/
7) Psychology Today: Should you come out to your parents?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gay-and-lesbian-well-being/201103/should-you-come-out-your-parents
8) Rainbow Youth: Coming Out
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/queer-youth/coming-out/
9) SafeTeens.org: Should I come out to my parents and how do I do it?
http://www.safeteens.org/lgbtq/coming-out/
10) TeenHealthSource: Understanding Your Own Sexual Identity and Gender
http://teenhealthsource.com/sgd/understanding-sexual-identity-gender/
11) WebMD: Coming Out as a LGBT Teen
http://teens.webmd.com/features/coming-out-as-lgbt-teen
12) wikiHow: How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
http://www.wikihow.com/Come-Out-As-a-Gay-or-Lesbian-Teen